Marriage Prayers

For those who read this and don’t know, I got married in August.  God has created something beautiful and blessed me greatly.  I love my husband dearly and I pray that we can continue to live in God’s will everyday.  I have grown so much in my faith during this time of knowing Matt.  I know God will continue to grow me in ways I probably can’t even imagine.  Matt and I covet your prayers.  Neither of us knows what in the world we are doing, but we know we need to follow God and we seek his will everyday.

The King is Enthralled by YOUR Beauty

My mom babysits for a little girl who just turned three last month.  About six months ago, she was going around telling everyone "I'm gorgeous."  (I think her grandpa had told her this.)  Like many little girls, she loves to dress in pink.  She likes dresses that make her look pretty, and she knows that people think she's cute.  She likes to look pretty, but she doesn't need those clothes or pigtails to say "I'm gorgeous."  She just says it.  She already knows it.

When do we (girls) lose this mentality?  My fiancé asked me this the other day.  So many girls today think they have to look like that super model in the magazine.  We think we have to look just right or change our bodies because we couldn't possible be beautiful enough to be loved by someone.  And it’s true this is what leads to many eating disorders in our country, but there are many girls without eating disorders.  What about the girls who go about their everyday lives and show no outside sign of worry about their looks, but on the inside that's something they worry about…a lot?  Girls, think about it.  We constantly measure our looks and compare them to the other women in our lives.

My fiancé works at a radio station, and the other day he and his co-host were talking about a study they had read about that talked about girls’s perceptions of themselves.  I don't remember the statistics, but it pointed out how many girls thought of themselves as average and how few thought of themselves as attractive.  It said that a fairly high percentage of girls couldn't name one feature they liked or thought was beautiful on/in themselves.  It got me thinking about how I would rate myself.  What would I name as my most beautiful feature?  To be honest some of the questions were hard.  Even as a Christian girl who knows I'm beautiful because "I am fearfully and wonderfully made," Psalm 139:14  I wasn't sure of myself.

Recently I learned that...In an effort to be humble, many girls put themselves down.  We're say we’re not good at this or that, because by doing this we avoid looking conceited and vain.  In reality though, this is the opposite of being humble.  It is just the other end of the spectrum from pride.  Pride is saying how good we are.  Putting ourselves down is saying how bad we are.  They are both "I" focused.  We are not called to be "I" focused, but to be "others" and "Christ" focused.  Not to mention that the more we say these things, the more we start to believe them.

So first, Jesus not only thinks you’re beautiful; he thinks you’re more than that.  You are gorgeous and precious in his sight. “The king is enthralled by you beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:11  God formed you and knows the number or hairs on your head.  Do me a favor and find at least one feature on your body that you think is beautiful.  But second, just don’t put yourself down.  By doing so, you are only thinking of yourself, and honestly, it’s not about you.  This life is about spreading the good news and pointing people to Jesus.

My Love is Just A Drop in the Bucket

Many of you probably know that I last week I got engaged.  I want to start by thanking God for this amazing time in my life.

As recently as a year ago, I was still wondering if there was anybody special for me.  I knew that I didn't need anyone, and that God was enough.  I knew this in my head, but I had trouble believing it in my heart.  What I wanted more than almost anything in life was to find that special someone who would be my best friend, the one who would be my better half, the one I would share everything with.  I wanted to find him, get married, and have a family.

Through a process that was far from easy I began to understand that I was putting God in a box.  Last summer I realized (with help) that I wasn't being the me that God made me to be.  When I was little, I was the girl who didn't stop talking.  I was outgoing, and I loved to be the center of attention.  (For those of you who only know me now, that might come as a surprise.)  Now I am quiet and reserved.  I am most definitely an introvert.  But in group situations, I'm not happy when I end up sitting back and not saying anything. Honestly, I don't like to the center of attention at all anymore, but that's not why I sit quietly.  I sit quietly because its what is expected of me; people expect me to be the one who doesn't participate in the conversation.  Who I am, depends on who I'm with and their expectations, so I'm obviously not being the real me.  I began to pray that I would want to want to be the me I was created to be.  I prayed that I would want to want to read the Bible and find out the promises God made for me.  I prayed that I would want to want to be content in God alone.  I began to accept that there was someone out there for me (even though I still doubted at times).  I also began to realize that God was not only growing me, but He was also probably growing my future husband.  Even though I still had a burning desire to meet my future husband, I took the time to understand who God says I am in Him.

People who saw me last summer and who see me now, see a change in me.  I don't deny it.  I am a much different person now than I was even a few months ago.  But I don't think thats a bad thing.  The past few months I have grown WITH Matt.  I've realized that with him, I'm more the me that God wants me to be than I was when I was before.  Did I need Matt to change me?  No, God could have changed my heart in other ways.  God could have grown us both in other ways, but of course I'm beyond grateful that God gave Matt to me.  (I see now...it wasn't anything I did to "find" my future husband.  I didn't date to find out what I liked in a guy.  But God GAVE Matt to me, in His perfect timing.  I don't think that it was a coincidence that Matt asked me out when he did even though we had known each other for quite a while.)  Matt is one of God's many blessings to me in the past year.

I have learned what Matt cares about.  And we have talked about what we can do together.  I want to do more ministry driven stuff-something as simple for being there for someone who needs someone to talk to even when I don't know what to say or do.  My heart is slowly being changed/grown to care about the same things that Matt cares about.  I believe that the two of us can be more together than we ever could apart.  God will use the two of us to combine our gifts and serve Him in the best way possible.

I've learned that I have not only found the best friend I will have in life, my better half, and the one I can share everything with.  But I've learned more about what love is.  Love is putting the others needs and wants above your own.  In my head I tend to make situations all about me even when I don't mean to, but loving someone has changed that.  Matt's needs and wants now come above my own.  And this love that I feel for him, is only a drop in bucket compared to God's love for us.

Magnificent Light

I love light!  Before this summer I had never really thought about it, but both color and light can touch my heart in ways that nothing else can.  I love stars, I love the way rays of sun stream through the clouds, and I love watching fire in the fireplace.  The brilliant oranges and reds that fade to golden yellows in sunsets and sunrises wow me.  When I take time to stop and notice them, the sheer beauty of these things takes my breath away.

This summer I went through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge with a friend.  One of the chapters is about how God puts things in the world around us to romance us.  “God has written the Romance not only on our hearts, but all over the world around us.  What we need is for him to open our eyes, to open our ears that we might recognize his voice calling to us, see his hand wooing us in the beauty that quickens our hearts.”  It goes on to ask about what romanced your heart as a child?  The main things I was able to come up with were things in nature-falling snow, the smell of rain, streams, and lakes, but the biggest one was light.

Light calls to us and invites us in.  Every metaphor that uses light talks about the light being good and the darkness being evil.  One of the first things God created was light and he saw that it was good.  It makes sense that I love light too then.  God created light and He liked it, and then He created me in His image.  The God of the universe loves me, and He made my heart.  He knows what wows me, what I love, what takes my breath away.  And it is sooooo amazing that every time I see a sunset, or a flower bed bursting with color, or a tree covered with bright yellow leaves, its God reminding me that He loves me and cherishes me and that He wants to romance my heart.

Light and color are what speak to me, but those aren’t the only things that God uses to speak to us.  What romances YOUR heart? The smile on a child’s face?  Books that you read and movies that you see?  A song that you hear?  God knows what speaks to your heart, and he sends reminders daily that He loves you.  We just have to be able to set aside the busy-ness and the pain of life and remember to look for them.

“Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart.”

“This romancing is immensely personal.  It will be as if it has been scripted for your heart.”

Prince of Peace

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

The Bible is full of verses about peace, about not worrying about tomorrow, and trusting God with our lives.  I’ve been going through the book of John, and the verse above really stuck out to me.  I’ve heard it all before…

Philippians 4:6-7  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Matthew 6:27, 34  “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life…Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day had enough trouble of its own.”

Colossians 3:15  “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace...”

…but hearing it and reading it, are not the same as actually believing it.

Worry is something I struggle with at times.  I worry about what kinds of grades I’m going to get on a test, I worry about what other people think of me, I worry about what my future holds.  This week in particular something I’ve been worrying about is, if I can’t learn from my mistakes then what kind of person am I?  I lost my watch earlier this week (this wasn’t entirely my fault-the band was broken but was working for the time being.)  Anyway, it got caught on my backpack and the next thing I knew, it was gone.  I totally forgot about a meeting with my academic advisor.  I lost my student ID card on Friday.  I can’t find my little address book.  I mean seriously…I’m not that disorganized of a person, but for whatever reason it seems like I’m constantly losing something-my keys, my ID, my pen, etc.  It’s not always something major, but it’s always something.

For those of you who don’t know me as well, losing something is a huge pet peeve of mine.  I feel like a disappointment when I lose something.  And you’d think that if I know I lose things, I would be better about putting them in their proper place instead of just setting them down somewhere but no, I’m continuously making that mistake.

Also, as a student and a perfectionist, school can be stressful.  Doing all my assignments and getting all my tests studied for takes time, lots of time, and it’s hard to fit everything in.  Especially this year...I’m working two jobs, taking more harder courses at once than I ever have before, going to church, bible study, and BASIC, not to mention spending my own time reading the Bible or praying, and then trying to fit in a social life and sleep in on top of all of that.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a more exhausting year.  But…during the summer I told myself I was going to enjoy my senior year.  It’ll be done before I know it and soon I’ll be done with school forever.  L  I’ve always loved school, so I want to enjoy the end of this season in my life while it lasts.

One of the names for Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  The Bible promises peace that TRANSCENDS understanding.  Have you ever felt an inexplicable peace?  It’s only happened a few times in my life, and normally at times when I’m extremely busy, but when I’m relying on Scripture.  It happened on Sunday.  Sitting in church I was thinking about everything I had to do this week, and was seized by a sense of fear about getting it all done on time.  After a moment though I was filled with a sense of peace that had nothing to do with me.  It wasn’t that I was thinking about something else, or that I had figured out a way to get it all done, but nonetheless I was overcome with a sense of complete peace.

In John chapter 16 Jesus tells us that while we live here on earth we will have trouble.  We will face death, pain, worry, stressful situations, and hundreds of others emotions that are not from God.  But he promises that in HIM we can have peace.  This is the key.  It’s only THROUGH Jesus that we can have true peace and joy.  We cannot achieve it by ourselves, even though we all try (myself included).  Jesus promises that in him we can have peace and he promises that he has already overcome the world.

One of my favorite versus from this summer…

John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Matt

At the beginning of June, after coming home from work one night, I got the tragic news that my cousin was in the hospital and was already technically brain dead and there was little to no chance of survival.  Still…I prayed for a miracle.  If anyone could save him, God could.  God did not answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to because Matt was taken off life support and died a few days later.

I cried myself to sleep for days afterwards.  I went through the motions of life but I didn’t know how to make sense of it.  I missed him, I still miss him, more than words can describe.  I did not have the chance to go to his funeral, which I regret now.  I keep wishing for a way back, a way to at least say “good-bye”.  I’m still looking for a way to say good-bye and deal with the pain in my heart.

Matt…everyone that knew him talks about his smile.  He had such a unique smile, and I rarely saw him without it.  Last time I saw him was at his brother’s wedding last summer.  He was one of the groomsmen and was the life of the party that day.  I looked up to and had a lot of fun with Matt when I was little.  Memories have come flooding back with his death…swimming in Durango Colorado, talking at Christmas after the adults had gone to bed, coloring in North Carolina.

Videos have been put up on facebook of Matt singing “A Whole New World” and “Kiss the Girl” from Disney movies.  These are a side of Matt I never knew, but I love it.  He is so full of life and seems really happy.  Matt moved to Colorado and made a life there, where he could go skiing all the time.  He loved being outdoors and always made life an adventure.

My mom found a card that Matt made me when I was born.  He was eight when I was born and lived halfway across the country (me in California, him in Nebraska) but he took the time to color a card for his new baby cousin.  I will forever treasure that card.

I don’t understand how this could possibly be part of God’s plan.  God allowed it to happen and I don’t understand.  I believe God had the power to stop it and quite honestly sometimes I’m mad at God for not doing so.  But at the same time…I know God DOES have a plan.  Somewhere, somehow, good will come from this pain.

Right now, pain is all I feel from the situation and I hate to hear that it will get better.  It seems like I either feel pain at thoughts of Matt, or I pretend like it never happened.

Matt,

I wish you could see the outpouring of support on your facebook page.  People still write to you and tell you what they’re doing, how they miss you.  I was supposed to see you in less than a week and it seems unreal that I won’t see you again.  I miss you so much!  You will forever be loved and remembered by everyone who knew you.

Christine

Child-like Joy

Toddlers can be a handful.  I know on Sunday mornings (I help in the nursery for the church I attend), many of them don’t want their parents to leave and have a fit when they do.  Most of them settle down after a few minutes or with something to distract them. On the other hand there are some that come in the nursery with smiles on their faces.  They are ready to play and couldn’t care less if their parents left them there or not.

One of favorite parts of helping in the nursery is at the end.  Not because “I’m finally done” but because of the reactions of all the kids.  All the kids, regardless of whether or not they are happy when they arrive, have the same reaction when their parents come back at the end of the service.  They aren’t just happy.  They are more than happy; they are ecstatic.  The look on their faces is priceless.  When you say “(Insert name) look who’s here.”  They turn towards the door and you can see their entire face light up with a joy to great for words.

This is what we should expect though, isn’t it?  I’m not a parent yet (although I hope to be one day), but a bond between a parent and a child is one of the strongest bonds I know.  A mother and father feed, clothe, cradle, and love a baby.  They are with the child as he or she grows and learns to walk, to read, to sing.  If the child messes up, still they love him or her.  As the child faces hardships at school with friends or struggles with an assignment a parent supports them and shows them unconditional love.  Even after the child is no longer a child but grown up, married, and with children of their own, the parent-child bond lives on.

We expect this of our earthly parents, but do we expect this of our Heavenly Father?  If we did would we ever doubt Him?  I have problems with trust.  I think of myself as a trusting person but in reality, I’m not.  I don’t trust others in a group to do their share.  I don’t trust others to keep their word, because I’ve had too many people make a promise or set up a time to get together only to break it or cancel later on.  I question God’s plan for my life and try to take control of it myself.  Because if I’m in control then I can’t get hurt.  If I’m in control then no one else has the power to break that promise.  But if our earthly parents love us with such a complete love then how much more does God love us?  God keeps his promises.  He doesn’t want to see us hurting or broken, but He asks for trust.

Matthew 7:25-34 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear… Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable then they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  “And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the lilies of the filed grow.  They do not labor or spin…If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

The Bible is God’s love letter to us.  He is telling us that He will always love us wholeheartedly, unlimitedly.  God provides for us; He gives us food and clothes.  He cradles and comforts us when life gets too hard to bear.  When we mess up, because we all will, He will still be there holding out His hand and welcoming us back.  He loved us enough to send His son and watch him die.  I can’t even grasp this.  I would give my life for my (not yet existent) children, but the other way around?  Sacrifice my child for someone who has hurt me?  But this is exactly what God did.

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

I don’t know what heaven will be like, but I do know that I’ll be with my Savior.  I don’t know how I’ll act or what I do when I see Jesus face to face, but I hope the expression on my face shows the same radiant expression that all the kids in the nursery have when they see their parents.  When I first see Jesus I want to be filled with a child-like joy that goes beyond words.