A World Full of Color

For a long time school overwhelmed my life.  I mean, it literally took over everything.  If my homework wasn't done then I wouldn’t let myself do anything else.  School came first.  Always.

Even after I came to college this was true.  But college was the first time in my life that I lived with friends!  In high school I had friends, but I was unusual in the way that I didn't hang out with them on a Fridays nights, after school, or in the summer.  I was a family girl.  I loved watching movies with my family on the weekends.  I would run errands with my parents and spend the majority of my time doing homework and I was totally happy doing all of it.  College changed all of that.  (I still love my family very much, but I'm not as content to spend all my time with them or to spend so much time alone.)

My 'coming to Christ' experience was not something that happened all at once.  I grew up in a Christian household and I had all the head knowledge.  I grew up learning the stories of the Old Testament (Adam and Eve, Moses, Joseph, Daniel, etc) and many of the parables and stories from the New Testament, including of course the idea that we all sin but Jesus came to die for us so that we can go to heaven.  I knew all of this in my head but I didn't really know it in my heart.  There is a difference between knowing the truth and KNOWING THE TRUTH that I didn't realize existed until a year and a half ago.

Even the process of KNOWING THE TRUTH was a gradual one but there is one night that's sticks out more than others in my mind.  During the first BASIC (a worship night on campus) of my sophomore year the song 'The Stand' was played.  For you who don't know the song here are the lyrics...

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

Carried the Cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your Spirit alive in me

This life to declare Your promise

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

...I was filled with a sense of amazement that night.  Standing there in a room with hundreds of college students singing "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned" was awe-inspiring!  It is truly beyond words.  I can't describe what happened that night or how God used it to change me, but after that I became a new person.  1 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

School didn't come first anymore. Friends were great but they weren't what I was living for either.   Christ became the center of my being.  I'm not saying that the change was easy or happened overnight, but it happened and it's still happening.

I joined a small group through BASIC Plus.  (For those of you who are new Christians or Christians who have never had a group like that I cannot possibly explain the difference it made in my life.  I would more that strongly suggest becoming part of one!!!).  In a small group there is a group of people who will pray with/for you in good times and bad.  They will be there for you through everything.  And maybe more important, they are a great way to make friends and be in fellowship with other believers!

I started to not only go to church but to really become involved in it.  I went to a church picnic where, a now very special friend introduced herself to me and I began to meet people.  I began to work in the nursery, which got me more involved.  Now church is one of the highlights of my week.

As many of you know (or can probably learn by looking at my blog and my Facebook statuses) music means so much to me.  I began to listen to Christian music.  Music holds so much emotion in it and there are so many songs that speak such truth.  And it seems like the right song comes on the radio just as I need it :). God is soooo cool!!!!!

Becoming a Christian did not make my life easier.  In fact I wouldn't argue if someone told me it actually made my life more difficult.  Being in college, or more specifically, since I've been a Christian, I've had some of my highest emotional highs but I've also had some of lowest emotional lows.  Before, life was just a couple shades of gray.  I just went through life without giving a whole lot of thought to others or even to many aspects of my own life.  I was happy because I didn't know the difference, but now my life has been filled with color.  Yes some of them are dark, but some of them are brilliant reds, yellows, greens, blues, etc.  And some of them are the brightest white I've ever seen.  I wouldn't go back no matter how difficult my life has become.  I wouldn't change anything.  And in the dark colored times I am learning to turn to and depend on Christ to swallow the darkness and bring me into the light once more. :)

I Want A Beautiful Love Story and I Want God to Be in Control

As I have said before I am someone who loves to be in control.  I plan out everything in life and when things don’t go the way I plan I kind of freak out a little.  I need to have the next few years of my life planned out, and when things change I need to have a new plan already formed or I will be absolutely terrified.

As recently as a year ago I wanted to finish at UNI, go to medical school, become a neonatologist, and somewhere along the way start a family.  I was going to live in a small town in the Midwest and have three or four kids.  Literally my whole life was planned.  BUT…already some things were not working out.  I couldn’t live in a small town AND be something as specialized as a neonatologist.  Did I really want to go to school for another ten years?  Could I be both a doctor and raise the family I so desperately wanted?  Around the same time my family knew multiple families whose kids had been in the hospital with life threatening conditions.  Both of these families praised the nurses (not the doctors) and still have contact with the nurses that meant so much to them during the tragedies they went through.  Could I be a nurse instead?  When I finally told people about the change of heart, wanting to be a nurse instead of a doctor, it probably seemed like a sudden change to them but for me, I had been pondering the idea for a long time before making the change.  Before letting go of my perfectly planned life, I made a new plan.  I was never-for one second-without a plan.

As a Christian I know that I am supposed to give God control of my life.  When I first prayed for God to enter my life, I prayed for His will to be done.  I wanted Him to direct my path and for Him to lead me through life.  My request was genuine.  It still is, but I’m terrified to give up every aspect of my life to Him.  I’m slowly changing and learning that it is okay for Him to be the leader of my life but there are still areas of my life that I’m clinging to with all my heart.  I’ve pretty much told Him “God you can direct me in this area and that area, but this area over here…yeah that’s still for me to control.”  The biggest area of my life that this is the case is the one for relationships-especially a romantic relationship.

What I want more than anything right now is to be in a dating relationship.  I never thought that as a junior in college I would still be single.  I mean, almost every couple that I know met in college, many in the first year or two.

What if I give this area to God and its His plan for me to stay single? Or meet someone but not for another 20 years?  I am the typical young girl who wants to meet someone, fall hopelessly in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after but what if that’s not what God wants?  (Ok, so I know most of that picture is slightly unrealistic-families have problems, but they work through them and I still want the beautiful parts of a love story.)  What if I give this area over to God to control and He does it all wrong?

I just started reading the book “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  And I cannot believe God…I mean how does He place the right book/movie/person/whatever it is each time in my life when I need it the most?!  I’ve been wanting to read this book for a long time but kept putting off going to the store and actually buying the book.  Anyway so this book…

Eric is one of the authors.  He was talking about giving his life to Christ and giving God total control.  He seemed as against giving God control as I am (I know this a common thing that people struggle with.)  Eric is comparing his life to a ship and different areas of his life to rooms on the ship.  When Eric let God lead his life he said  “I had always called the shots, charted the course, chose when to scrub the deck and what detergent to use.  I mean, the ship had my name on the front.  This had always been my ship-and now He wanted to assume command.  In His ever-gentle way, He moved into the captain’s quarters.  I was okay with Him taking over part of the ship, as long as some rooms on the lower deck remained under my jurisdiction.  Even after I turned my life over to the rulership of Christ, there were certain areas I clung to and protected, trying with all the strength I had to somehow maintain control over them.”  Sound familiar?  Isn’t this exactly what I was doing with my life?  Can you relate?  What areas are you trying to keep under your jurisdiction?  “Christianity, defined in very simplistic terms, can be summarized as ‘me moving out, God moving in.’ Which means God had to move into every corner of my existence, even the areas I didn’t want to let go of.”

Eric said “If there is one thing in all of life that we feel sure God has no clue about, it’s romance…I was convinced that God was very interested in keeping me single, even though he knew I wanted to be married.”  But Eric goes on to say “If I could have taken just a little peek into God’s father-heart…I would have seen how much He delights over me, how much He cherishes and adores me.  If I could have realized how interested He is in my highest good, I would have flung the door wide open.”

I am striving with everything I have to be more Christ-like.  I am striving to give God control over my life-every single aspect of my life.  If I can accept God’s plan, even if it means that I’ll be single the rest of my life, then that will be the best life I could have possibly imagined!

I’ll leave you with one more quote from the book.  “The ‘something better’ is found in emptying yourself, surrendering to His lead, letting go of your life and all you hold dear, and entrusting everything to Him.  Because in doing that, you will be tenderly embraced by the sweetest Musician in all the universe and receive your own personal concert.”

Someone Worth Dying For

Am I worth dying for?  Am I someone beautiful and someone loved?  I ask myself these questions maybe not daily but quite often.

This is a song called Someone Worth Dying For by MIKESCHAIR that I discovered this summer and I fell in love with it.  I LOVE songs that I can identify with, songs that I feel like apply to me.

You might be the wife,

Waiting up at night

You might be the man,

Struggling to provide

Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,

Who chose a broken road

Maybe you're the girl,

Thinking you'll end up alone

Praying God can you hear me?

Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)

Am I more than flesh and bone?

Am I really something beautiful?

Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that

I'm not just some wandering soul

That you don't see and you don't know

Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I

Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free

But you think you're the one that grace could never reach

So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it

Yeah the Cross has proven

That you're sacred and blameless

Your life has purpose

You are more than flesh and bone

Can't you see you're something beautiful

Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe

He wants you to see, He wants you to see

That you're not just some wandering soul

That can't be seen and can't be known

Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you

Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for

“Am I really something beautiful? I wanna believe that I’m not just some wandering soul that you don’t see and you don’t know.”  This sentence speaks sooo much.  I know that I’m not the only one who has questions like this.  Many teenage girls and college women that I know, question their beauty.  We’re told by our culture that we are not beautiful.  We need to be skinnier, we need to wear make-up to cover ourselves, we need to wear the right clothes, and hang out with the right people.  This is not something I struggle with as much (but I have been questioning it recently) when am alone and overcome with the feelings of loneliness.  Am I so “un-beautiful” that no one will ever be “the one” for me, so “un-beautiful” that I can’t be loved by people other than family?  But friends and family also tell us constantly “it’s not the outer beauty that matters but the inner beauty.”  Which brings up the question “Am I beautiful on the inside?”  I certainly don’t always feel beautiful.  I complain and I am not always happy.  I should be there for others but often all I think about is me.  I am a quiet person; why can’t I be outgoing and the person people always want to be around?  So…am I really something beautiful?  I do want to believe I am, but that can be so difficult.  Am I someone worth dying for?

God wants me to see that I am beautiful.  He wants me to see that I’m not just some wandering soul, and then I am worth dying for.  This is of course, easier said than done but He’s God and He MADE ME.  If I say that anything is wrong with me, then I’m saying that God made a mistake but God is perfect.  He DOESN’T make mistakes!!!!!  I’m lucky because every time I put myself down I have friends who get mad at me, every time I’m feeling down or much less than perfect they are there for me.

“You’re worth it, you can’t earn it.  Yeah the cross has proven that you’re sacred and blameless.  Your life has purpose.”  This is the rest of the story.  Because God gave His son for us, our lives have a purpose!! Isn’t it so exciting that we are here on earth for a reason?!  We are not just living to be living.  We are not just on the earth to live and then die.  We have a purpose!!!!  The line from this song is has what has kept me going during many hard times.  I am here for a reason and even if I don’t know everything that I am here for, everything that I am supposed to do…GOD DOES!!

I am constantly reminded that I NEED to rely on God.  I’m tired of trying to go through this life on my own.  It’s exhausting and to be honest, kind of pointless.  I’m terrified to give everything to God because what if His plan doesn’t line up at all with what I want.  What if…well anyway, that’s a story for another day. J

God sent His son to die for me but not because I was good enough but because I wasn’t.  God loved me sooooooo much and He thinks I’m beautiful.  I was created in His image and He can see the depths of my soul.  He knows me infinitely better than I know myself, so even when I don’t like something about myself I need to remember that God created me and He loves me more than I will ever know.

(Before writing/posting this I thought for a long time.  Is it right for me to first of all disclose so many personal feelings and second is it right for me to tell other people to believe they are beautiful and wonderful in God’s sight when it is something I question?  But…I think that the fact that I struggle with this is a great reason to post it.  It gives me the ability to relate to those who struggle with similar things.)

The Joy of Christmas

What’s your favorite part Christmas?  Do you like the lights around town?  Do you like the food and the time with family?  Or the presents under the tree and decorations around the house?  These are a lot of what we think of when we think of Christmas and this time of year but all of these questions are missing THE MOST IMPORTANT part!!!

I absolutely LOVE Christmas!  I love everything about it-the decorations, the music, the time with family, the food, the presents, the lights and yes even the snow. J  I love the traditions my family and I share.  For instance when I was home last weekend over Thanksgiving break my family went and got our Christmas tree.  Every year we go to a tree farm, cut down our Christmas tree, go home set it up, and then that night we decorate it together.  Another tradition for me was helping my family decorate the house and put up the lights.  Every time I see the Christmas decorations that my roommates and I set up in our apartment I smile.  From the time I was one and a half I liked to point out all of the Christmas lights around town and every year I helped my dad put our own lights up.  Yet another tradition we share is that of making Christmas cookies.  Now I was really the only one who enjoyed this, but it was a tradition!  Dad would help me roll out the cookie dough because I was never able to actually manage to do that correctly.  I would bake them, and then my mom, brother, and I would frost and decorate them.

All of these traditions are wonderful!  They are a lot of what makes the Christmas season special, and I truly hope and pray that every family has their own traditions that they continue to share every year.  The problem is that every year I get so caught up in tradition and all of the other aspects of Christmas.  What about Jesus?  Without Him there wouldn’t be a Christmas.  Without Him there wouldn’t be life!!  Jesus came that we might have life and have it to the full! John 10:10

Another tradition my family and I have is going to church on Christmas Eve.  I would like to think of that as more than a “tradition” but is it?  I go to church and I sing the songs and listen to the Christmas story.  I love it! It feels almost magical, but we’re going partly because that’s what we’ve always done and that’s what you’re “supposed” to do.  This year when we go to church I want to remember the real reason I’m there.  I don’t want to go because it’s just another tradition.  I want to go to celebrate the birth of my Savior!

“Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:11

“You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.  The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.” Luke 1:31-33

Christmas has become so commercialized!  Every year everybody rushes out on Black Friday to buy as much as they can and save as much money as possible.  We all have to make sure we have the “perfect” gifts for each other because many feel like that’s what makes Christmas special.  We buy decorations and new lights every year (because inevitably there is at least one string of lights that is burned out).  We make sure that catch of our favorite classic Christmas movies on TV and if we’re not home at that time then we need to Tivo it!!  Christmas time causes a lot of stress for a lot of people, but I don’t understand that!  We should be able to enjoy the time with our family with or without the gifts, decorations, and food.  We need to remember that Christmas is about more than all the “stuff.”

When I have a family and kids I hope we will continue some of the traditions from my childhood and make some of our own traditions.  I hope my children grow up loving Christmas time and the feeling the joy of the Christmas spirit every year.  But I also want them, my future husband, myself, and everybody else to remember the reason for Christmas and what Christmas is really about! 

Jesus is the only one who can bring you true joy this Christmas!!

Giving Thanks for Simple Ordinary Things

At the beginning of the month my roommate saved a jar and every so often she would put notes in it with things that she was thankful for.  I was going to join her and do that to but never got around to it.  Despite the fact that I never actually got a jar and joined her, it made me think.  How often do I actually thank God for what He has given me? Sure I say prayers such as thank you for_____(the day, the weather, family, etc) but do I ever take time to enjoy what I’ve been given?

Last week was the last week of school before my Thanksgiving break and the teachers all decided that this would be the perfect week to give a test.  It makes sense (to not have to study over the break) but that also meant that I had a test in almost every subject and was completely overwhelmed with everything.  At the beginning of the week someone talked about a sunset they had seen the weekend before and I realized that I rarely (but especially not in busy times) stop and look at the sunset, sunrise, stars, etc and that’s something that I really enjoy doing.

In our culture we all lived such rushed, busy lives that we don’t take time to stop and think.  It is proven that spending time in nature reduces stress levels but even if that is something you don’t enjoy what about taking five minutes with your kids/spouse/parents/brothers or sisters?  What about the five minutes when you wake up every morning or go to bed at night when you have can just sit in bed and relax?  I am so happy when I have the two-minute drive to the school library because that means that I have the chance to listen to music.

This thanksgiving and everyday this year I want to be able to say that I’m thankful for more than just family and friends.  Don’t get me wrong-I am soooo very blessed to have the life that I do and to be surrounded by family and friends that I have.  But I also want to be able to say thank you for the sunsets and the rainbows.  Thank you for time alone, and late night talks with friends. Thank you for car rides, a piano to play while I’m at school, nights when I get eight hours of sleep, and early morning walks.  I want to be able to say thank you, really mean it, and take time to enjoy these things.

Thank you for simple, ordinary things and blessings that I don’t realize I have but are given to me daily!!!

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  Philippians 4:6

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Inspiration

My inspiration for the title of this blog came from a song called Give Me Faith by the band Elevation Worship.  I heard it for the first time at BASIC a campus ministry that I’m part of, and from the first time I heard it, it has meant so much to me. (I have included the URL to the video but couldn't figure out how to upload the video directly to the blog.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=mMVvqI1-tM4

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you to open my eyes

To see that You're shaping my life

All I am,

I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say

That you're good and your love is great

I'm broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart

To break me apart

I need you pierce through the dark

And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak

Your spirit strong in me

My flesh may fail

My God you never will

I love the lyrics of this song.  They speak volumes about how I often feel.  I’m sure that I’m not the only one that can relate to some part of them.

“All I am, I surrender”-These lyrics are something that when I say them, I need to mean them.  But sometimes it is so difficult for me because I feel like I need to be in control of my own life.  I like to have plans!  I often have every hour of tomorrow and the general idea of the next five years planned out!  If I don’t have a plan then I feel unorganized and kind of lost.  I realize that very few people are as planned as me but all of us like to have some measure of control over our lives.  It can be hard for us to surrender our lives and everything we are to God but that is exactly what He calls us to do.

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39

“Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” Psalm 143:10

“I may be weak, Your spirit strong in me, My flesh may fail, My God you never will”-Though we are weak and fail God’s spirit is strong in us and we as humans will fail but He never will!!!  Isn’t it incredible that we have a God who loves us so much that he sent His son to die for YOU!  We are not perfect and I know that I make mistakes again and again.  Often I feel like giving up because I keep making the same mistake over and over (“my flesh may fail”) and it seems like I’ll never be able to do it; I’ll never get it right.  Here I have problems with the control issue again but if I can trust God enough to surrender my life to Him then everything I’m not able to do by my strength He can do through His.  He will NEVER fail!

“I can everything through Him who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13

In the Beginning...

I wanted to start this out with giving a little background about myself and telling why I wanted to begin this blog.  I’ve never seriously considered blogging until really recently because (other than elementary school when I loved to write stories) I’ve never really been much of a writer.  I LOVE to journal but sometimes I have a hard time expressing my feelings through words.  So why in the world would I start a blog?!  I admit at first it just kind of sounded like fun because a couple of my friends do it and it is a wonderful way to record memories or keep track of stories that a person may want to tell.  But then over the last few weeks it’s been more than that.  I have felt almost led to begin this blog to tell the stories of how God is at work in my life through other people and circumstances, and things I read.  He is making things happen in my life and giving me opportunities that are incredible!

About me…I am 20 years old and I am Biology/Biochemistry double major.  I came to college having been raised in the Lutheran church but while in college I truly became on fire for Christ.  Reading has always been a favorite way to pass the time for me.  But I also like taking walks and spending time in nature, cross-stitching, scrapbooking, skiing, and talking with and being with friends. J  My favorite season changes constantly but I do love winter and snow (as crazy as that may sound).  I want to eventually get my MSN (Masters of Science in Nursing) and become a nurse practitioner in a neonatal unit.  I love children and hope to have my own and raise a family someday.