Our Story

Here I am-month 19 of trying to have a baby, month 5 of being on the fertility drug Clomid.  I understand that some people try much longer than us, and I feel bad for them, but it doesn’t change our story.

My husband and I have been married for three years next month.  From the beginning, if my husband had said, “Let’s have a baby” I would have been on board.  But I didn’t ask if we could start trying because I was in school, had student loans to be paid off, and we were renting a one bedroom apartment.  In short, we weren’t ready.  But I was ready long before my husband was.  About two years ago I started asking (begging might be the more accurate term) my husband if we could start trying.  We knew a lot of people that were getting pregnant with their first child and I wanted to be part of that group too.  I looked forward to setting up a nursery, to hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running down the hallway.

Finally, in December 2014 my husband agreed that we were at a point where we could start trying to have a baby.  We knew going in that chances of getting pregnant right away weren’t great-I had just gotten off the pill and on average it takes one’s body about three months to be “normal again” and up to a year is normal, but from the first month I couldn’t help tracking my cycles, getting excited at every sign that MIGHT mean we were pregnant.  Six months came and went.  I started to track my body basal temperature (but this difficult when one works night shift three days a week.)  So after a month or two of that I started to buy ovulation test kits.  They said I ovulated every month but my cycles were long and it was difficult to predict when it was going to happen.

Yes I wanted the attention.  I was excited to tell my husband that were expecting and began looking up fun ways to do this.  I was excited to tell our families, who had no idea we were at that point.  I wanted the excitement of buying little outfits.  I wanted to hear the congratulations from friends and strangers alike.  But I also couldn’t wait for the private moments-the first time I would feel a baby kick, my husband talking to the baby and telling both of us good night.

After a year I saw a doctor.  After drawing blood levels, and my husband being tested there was nothing conclusively wrong.  I began Clomid.  My hormone levels immediately said I was ovulating (but there was nothing saying that I wasn’t before.)  Clomid said that most people are pregnant after three months of being on it.  Three months later, I still got my period.  So we continued Clomid, but I also had an HSG test to see if my fallopian tubes were open.  They were.  So, the Clomid continued.

This past month of being on Clomid, my cycle was long-it has been regular each of the other months while I’ve been on Clomid.  As the days passed I was more and more convinced that I was pregnant.  And then yesterday I got my period.  It felt like I had lost a baby.  It feels a little bit like that every month.  Every time I get a period, I lose the hope that was a baby.  Because I automatically know the due date when I get my period.  After this going on for over a year, I automatically know which holiday is coming up in about 8-12 weeks that would be a good opportunity to tell family.  Like many woman, I have names picked out.  Every month I lose all of it.  I’ve lost all of it for 19 months now and I don’t know how to keep going.

I don’t want to keep trying but even if I stop taking clomid, I will still wonder and hope and cry every month.  Even if we’re not trying, I will still be trying.  I hear to “relax and stop trying” all the time, but how does one do that?  How can one go through this loss and grief month after month?  I’m tired; just exhausted by all of it.

And that our story.

Infertility in a Labor and Delivery Nurse

Everyday I help women bring their babies into this world.  I help and rejoice and listen to the wonder in their words and watch the amazement in their eyes.  I watch and listen to this and can’t help but think “Why not me?”

I’ve driven home in tears because of beautiful deliveries and beautiful families and not knowing when my time will come.  I trust that God knows what he’s doing, but that doesn’t make this time any easier.

I’ve had those patients that have struggled with infertility for years and finally they get to welcome a new baby into their family.  I’ve had those patients who didn’t know they were pregnant for months.  I’ve had those patients that do drugs throughout their pregnancy and don’t deserve to be a new parent.  I watch people of all kinds of backgrounds come through the hospital and I do my best to love every one of them.  But then I go home and wonder why them?  Why not me?

I wonder if I’ve done something or am doing something.  Is this my fault? People reassure me that it's not, but I’m at a loss.  Would I be a bad parent?  God promises that he will set the barren woman in a home as a happy mother of children, but I know people for which this doesn’t happen.

I get down on my knees in prayer. I weep and cry out to God.  I beg and cry; I get mad at him.  Nothing that I do makes any difference.  It seems to me that my prayers aren’t being heard. I’m surrounded by pregnant women at work both my patients and co-workers, at church, my family…it's hard.  As happy as I am for all of them, it's hard to watch their happiness and not know if my dreams will every be fulfilled.

I help others bring their babies into the world but I can't help myself and my husband. Every month the hope grows only to be crushed...again. And again.  Hope hurts.

People ask me all the time when we're going to have kids and its like a punch in the stomach, or in the heart.  It's not up to me.  It's up to God.  I keep praying and as much as I don't want it to, the hope keeps coming back.

Wait, Be Strong, Take Heart

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27: 13-14

A lesson I’m learning whether I wanted to or not.  I’m tired of waiting!  Nothing in this world is in my control, nothing at all, and I’m learning this lesson more strongly than anything else right now.  We can try to force God’s hand in certain things (not that it really ever works).  We can be convinced we found “the one” and get married, get a job, etc, but if it’s not God’s plan, it won’t be the best.  Then there are things that yes we should pray about but we have more than one “good” option-things like where to live, which house to buy, how to spend our money.  And then there are things like having a baby, a person giving their life to follow Christ, and our health that we have absolutely no control over.  We can pray and hope and cry and plea but no matter what we do or what we want, it’s all up to God (whether we believe or not).  And that’s just plain hard.  Making choices is hard for me.  Having no choice is harder.  There are things that I get down on my knees and pray for, things I’ve prayed for for years, things that I’ve grieved over, and still they do not happen.  Like I said, I’m tired of waiting.  But what choice do I have?  Even through all of this, I cannot imagine not having a God to trust in.  He hasn’t listened to me, and as hard as it is, he doesn’t have to, but if I didn’t have him, there are things in life that would be unbearable.

He tells us to be confident that we WILL see the goodness in the land of the living.  With God, there is goodness in this world; we don’t have to wait for heaven to see it.  We are just told to wait, be strong, and take heart.

Mary Pondered These Things In Her Heart

Mary did you know…when you kiss your little baby, you kissed the face of God? 

Mary was visited by an angel and told that she would be the mother to the Savior.  She was going to bear a son-a son that would live a perfect life and then die on the cross.  She held her savior in her arms.  She rocked him to sleep and fed him when he was hungry.  I can only imagine what Mary must have felt.  Mary knew her son was God, but I don’t think she knew all that that would entail-the endless joy and grief that would bring.

“When (the shepherds) had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told the about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them.  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”  Mary didn’t have a camera to capture Jesus’ first days, steps, or smiles, but I’m sure she remembered them all.  I see babies born everyday at work, and every experience is different.  But one thing is the same-the look of wonder and joy on a new parent’s face when they look at their baby.  I went in to check on a patient the other day and found her just looking at her daughter like she was the only thing in the world that mattered.  Imagine Mary in that situation.  She was holding her first son, and she was holding God.  She was literally looking at the only thing in the world that mattered.

There’s a song that I like called Be Born in Me sung by Francesca Battistilli.  In it there’s the line  “I’ll hold you in the beginning, you will hold me in the end.”  When Jesus was born Mary held him and comforted him.  When Mary died she went home to be with her Savior and I’m sure he held her as she had once held him.  I can’t imagine the joy Mary felt when her son was born.  I can’t imagine the grief she felt when he was killed.

Mary had been told by an angel that this was what she had been called by God to do.  She must have felt fear and experienced ridicule (because who on earth would have believed her.)  She must have felt joy and awe, wonder and confusion.  But despite all of this she accepted God’s will, no matter how hard. “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.”  It’s hard to wait on God’s timing.  Sometimes it’s hard to do what he is calling us to, or to do what we know he wants.  But in the end, it’s all worth it.

Powerful God, Little Baby Jesus

Psalm 139 is (as I’ve observed) one of the most beloved Psalms.  I know that it is certainly one of my favorites.  At the center of the message is the fact that God knows everything about us-our thoughts and actions.  There is nowhere that we can go to get away from God, and nowhere we can hide.  He created us.  He knows our past and our future-he knew all of the days ordained for us before one of them came to be.  And this isn’t true for just one of us, but for all of us over the entire earth.  God’s thoughts outnumber the grains of sand and still he thinks of me!  Not from this Psalm, but we know that God holds our tears and knows every one of them.  To me, this is an extremely comforting thought.

During this Christmas season we can be amazed at thinking of this powerful God who knew everything, created everything, to thinking about the little baby he became.  God chose to leave his throne and the knowledge of everything, and come as a baby who needed to learn everything and depend on sinful, broken parents to survive.  Did Jesus, being fully God, know every one of his parent’s sins and choose to obey his parents anyway?

Psalms 139 starts by saying that God has searched us and knows us.  It ends by asking the almighty God to search us, know us, test us, and lead us.  As I marvel over baby Jesus this Christmas season, I know that he knows the very core of who I am.  He knows my sin, my grief, my joy, and still chooses to love me.  Because I’ve acknowledged him as savior and asked him into my heart, I know that I am saved.  God looks at sinful me and sees pure Jesus instead.  How can I help but worship him?

Our God is a God of Miracles

Our God is a God of miracles.  This is a phrase I recently read in a book by Karen Kingsbury.  Which is funny because earlier today I was thinking about a question they asked us at the end of confirmation (when I was in 7^th or 8^th grade).  Talk about random…

The question was something along the lines of “What is something that you consider a miracle?”  At the time, I wrote down that a baby was a miracle.  This is very true-I mean think about it.  How do our bodies form exactly the way they’re supposed to the majority of the time.  If something was even the tiniest fraction off from the way it’s supposed to be, life wouldn’t exist.  We have exactly the right level of acids/bases in our cells.  We hold the only temperature that we could survive at.  Our cells couldn’t survive on their own and yet they come together to make a human that can think, feel, read, write, or encourage.  I work as a labor and delivery nurse, and trust me, hearing babies take their first breath and cry for the first time is one of the greatest miracles there is.  We were after all, knitted together perfectly in our mother’s womb.

So my answer back then was true.  But I was so narrow minded-I’m sure that about half the people in my class had the same answer because that’s the cliché, “Babies are miracles.”  Honestly, I remember thinking that that was the only thing I could think of.

If I had to the answer that question today, I have no idea what I would say, and not because I can’t think of anything.  I was driving home from today and thinking about that question and about the possible answers.  A rainbow is a miracle.  The water bends the light just perfectly to send bands of color across the sky.  Snowflakes are miracles.  Every snowflake is different and if you’ve ever seen pictures of snowflakes up close-you know what I’m talking about.  The mountains are miracles.  Someone seeing that God is real and giving his or her life to follow him is a miracle.  It says in the Bible that we can only see God and know that he is real when he removes the veil from our eyes.

There are endless miracles all around us.  Miracles happen every single day. We just have to open our eyes to the possibilities that simple things count as a miracle.  Miracles aren’t always big and flashy.  They aren’t always unexplainable. (Many of the things I wrote about above can be explained by science, but that doesn’t make them any less of a miracle.)