As I have said before I am someone who loves to be in control. I plan out everything in life and when things don’t go the way I plan I kind of freak out a little. I need to have the next few years of my life planned out, and when things change I need to have a new plan already formed or I will be absolutely terrified.
As recently as a year ago I wanted to finish at UNI, go to medical school, become a neonatologist, and somewhere along the way start a family. I was going to live in a small town in the Midwest and have three or four kids. Literally my whole life was planned. BUT…already some things were not working out. I couldn’t live in a small town AND be something as specialized as a neonatologist. Did I really want to go to school for another ten years? Could I be both a doctor and raise the family I so desperately wanted? Around the same time my family knew multiple families whose kids had been in the hospital with life threatening conditions. Both of these families praised the nurses (not the doctors) and still have contact with the nurses that meant so much to them during the tragedies they went through. Could I be a nurse instead? When I finally told people about the change of heart, wanting to be a nurse instead of a doctor, it probably seemed like a sudden change to them but for me, I had been pondering the idea for a long time before making the change. Before letting go of my perfectly planned life, I made a new plan. I was never-for one second-without a plan.
As a Christian I know that I am supposed to give God control of my life. When I first prayed for God to enter my life, I prayed for His will to be done. I wanted Him to direct my path and for Him to lead me through life. My request was genuine. It still is, but I’m terrified to give up every aspect of my life to Him. I’m slowly changing and learning that it is okay for Him to be the leader of my life but there are still areas of my life that I’m clinging to with all my heart. I’ve pretty much told Him “God you can direct me in this area and that area, but this area over here…yeah that’s still for me to control.” The biggest area of my life that this is the case is the one for relationships-especially a romantic relationship.
What I want more than anything right now is to be in a dating relationship. I never thought that as a junior in college I would still be single. I mean, almost every couple that I know met in college, many in the first year or two.
What if I give this area to God and its His plan for me to stay single? Or meet someone but not for another 20 years? I am the typical young girl who wants to meet someone, fall hopelessly in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after but what if that’s not what God wants? (Ok, so I know most of that picture is slightly unrealistic-families have problems, but they work through them and I still want the beautiful parts of a love story.) What if I give this area over to God to control and He does it all wrong?
I just started reading the book “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy. And I cannot believe God…I mean how does He place the right book/movie/person/whatever it is each time in my life when I need it the most?! I’ve been wanting to read this book for a long time but kept putting off going to the store and actually buying the book. Anyway so this book…
Eric is one of the authors. He was talking about giving his life to Christ and giving God total control. He seemed as against giving God control as I am (I know this a common thing that people struggle with.) Eric is comparing his life to a ship and different areas of his life to rooms on the ship. When Eric let God lead his life he said “I had always called the shots, charted the course, chose when to scrub the deck and what detergent to use. I mean, the ship had my name on the front. This had always been my ship-and now He wanted to assume command. In His ever-gentle way, He moved into the captain’s quarters. I was okay with Him taking over part of the ship, as long as some rooms on the lower deck remained under my jurisdiction. Even after I turned my life over to the rulership of Christ, there were certain areas I clung to and protected, trying with all the strength I had to somehow maintain control over them.” Sound familiar? Isn’t this exactly what I was doing with my life? Can you relate? What areas are you trying to keep under your jurisdiction? “Christianity, defined in very simplistic terms, can be summarized as ‘me moving out, God moving in.’ Which means God had to move into every corner of my existence, even the areas I didn’t want to let go of.”
Eric said “If there is one thing in all of life that we feel sure God has no clue about, it’s romance…I was convinced that God was very interested in keeping me single, even though he knew I wanted to be married.” But Eric goes on to say “If I could have taken just a little peek into God’s father-heart…I would have seen how much He delights over me, how much He cherishes and adores me. If I could have realized how interested He is in my highest good, I would have flung the door wide open.”
I am striving with everything I have to be more Christ-like. I am striving to give God control over my life-every single aspect of my life. If I can accept God’s plan, even if it means that I’ll be single the rest of my life, then that will be the best life I could have possibly imagined!
I’ll leave you with one more quote from the book. “The ‘something better’ is found in emptying yourself, surrendering to His lead, letting go of your life and all you hold dear, and entrusting everything to Him. Because in doing that, you will be tenderly embraced by the sweetest Musician in all the universe and receive your own personal concert.”
