At the beginning of June, after coming home from work one
night, I got the tragic news that my cousin was in the hospital and was already
technically brain dead and there was little to no chance of survival. Still…I prayed for a miracle. If anyone could save him, God
could. God did not answer my
prayers the way I wanted Him to because Matt was taken off life support and
died a few days later.
I cried myself to sleep for days afterwards. I went through the motions of life but
I didn’t know how to make sense of it.
I missed him, I still miss him, more than words can describe. I did not have the chance to go to his
funeral, which I regret now. I
keep wishing for a way back, a way to at least say “good-bye”. I’m still looking for a way to say
good-bye and deal with the pain in my heart.
Matt…everyone that knew him talks about his smile. He had such a unique smile, and I
rarely saw him without it. Last
time I saw him was at his brother’s wedding last summer. He was one of the groomsmen and was the
life of the party that day. I
looked up to and had a lot of fun with Matt when I was little. Memories have come flooding back with
his death…swimming in Durango Colorado, talking at Christmas after the adults
had gone to bed, coloring in North Carolina.
Videos have been put up on facebook of Matt singing “A Whole
New World” and “Kiss the Girl” from Disney movies. These are a side of Matt I never knew, but I love it. He is so full of life and seems really
happy. Matt moved to Colorado and
made a life there, where he could go skiing all the time. He loved being outdoors and always made
life an adventure.
My mom found a card that Matt made me when I was born. He was eight when I was born and lived
halfway across the country (me in California, him in Nebraska) but he took the
time to color a card for his new baby cousin. I will forever treasure that card.
I don’t understand how this could possibly be part of God’s
plan. God allowed it to happen and
I don’t understand. I believe God
had the power to stop it and quite honestly sometimes I’m mad at God for not
doing so. But at the same time…I
know God DOES have a plan.
Somewhere, somehow, good will come from this pain.
Right now, pain is all I feel from the situation and I hate
to hear that it will get better.
It seems like I either feel pain at thoughts of Matt, or I pretend like
it never happened.
Matt,
I wish you could see the outpouring of
support on your facebook page.
People still write to you and tell you what they’re doing, how they miss
you. I was supposed to see you in
less than a week and it seems unreal that I won’t see you again. I miss you so much! You will forever be loved and
remembered by everyone who knew you.
Christine
I'm sorry about Matt's death.
ReplyDeleteRemember that it's okay to be mad at God... He can handle it. It's encouraging to know that you still trust Him, but remember that you can be mad.
It's always hard when miracles don't happen like they do in movies and in books. We get accustomed to believing that nothing bad will ever happen to us, but then when it does, we're crushed, not just because of the bad thing that happened, but also because our whole outlook on life is shattered. It's easy to lose faith at times like this because we're so used to hearing stories about how "God gave me this" or "God protected me from this" or "God cured this person and made them all better". But it's important to remember that this world isn't Heaven and bad things DO happen here. I believe that the true power of and the true help we get from God is not from Him stopping all bad things from happening to us, but Him helping us to continue living with truth, forgiveness, and love in our hearts and to continue growing in those things even though bad things may happen to us. The pain and sadness will always be there at least to some degree, maybe even a little anger, but hopefully you'll be an even better person because of all of it. Anyone who goes through a tragedy like this and keeps their Godly spirit intact can only be a blessing to others.
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