Here I am-month 19 of trying to have a baby, month 5 of
being on the fertility drug Clomid. I
understand that some people try much longer than us, and I feel bad for them,
but it doesn’t change our story.
My husband and I have been married for three years next
month. From the beginning, if my husband
had said, “Let’s have a baby” I would have been on board. But I didn’t ask if we could start trying
because I was in school, had student loans to be paid off, and we were renting
a one bedroom apartment. In short, we
weren’t ready. But I was ready long
before my husband was. About two years
ago I started asking (begging might be the more accurate term) my husband if we
could start trying. We knew a lot of
people that were getting pregnant with their first child and I wanted to be
part of that group too. I looked forward
to setting up a nursery, to hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running
down the hallway.
Finally, in December 2014 my husband agreed that we were at
a point where we could start trying to have a baby. We knew going in that chances of getting
pregnant right away weren’t great-I had just gotten off the pill and on average
it takes one’s body about three months to be “normal again” and up to a year is
normal, but from the first month I couldn’t help tracking my cycles, getting
excited at every sign that MIGHT mean we were pregnant. Six months came and went. I started to track my body basal temperature
(but this difficult when one works night shift three days a week.) So after a month or two of that I started to
buy ovulation test kits. They said I
ovulated every month but my cycles were long and it was difficult to predict
when it was going to happen.
Yes I wanted the attention.
I was excited to tell my husband that were expecting and began looking
up fun ways to do this. I was excited to
tell our families, who had no idea we were at that point. I wanted the excitement of buying little
outfits. I wanted to hear the
congratulations from friends and strangers alike. But I also couldn’t wait for the private
moments-the first time I would feel a baby kick, my husband talking to the baby
and telling both of us good night.
After a year I saw a doctor.
After drawing blood levels, and my husband being tested there was nothing
conclusively wrong. I began Clomid. My hormone levels immediately said I was
ovulating (but there was nothing saying that I wasn’t before.) Clomid said that most people are pregnant
after three months of being on it. Three
months later, I still got my period. So
we continued Clomid, but I also had an HSG test to see if my fallopian tubes
were open. They were. So, the Clomid continued.
This past month of being on Clomid, my cycle was long-it has
been regular each of the other months while I’ve been on Clomid. As the days passed I was more and more
convinced that I was pregnant. And then
yesterday I got my period. It felt like
I had lost a baby. It feels a little bit
like that every month. Every time I get
a period, I lose the hope that was a baby.
Because I automatically know the due date when I get my period. After this going on for over a year, I
automatically know which holiday is coming up in about 8-12 weeks that would be
a good opportunity to tell family. Like
many woman, I have names picked out.
Every month I lose all of it.
I’ve lost all of it for 19 months now and I don’t know how to keep
going.
I don’t want to keep trying but even if I stop taking
clomid, I will still wonder and hope and cry every month. Even if we’re not trying, I will still be
trying. I hear to “relax and stop trying”
all the time, but how does one do that?
How can one go through this loss and grief month after month? I’m tired; just exhausted by all of it.
And that our story.
