Our Story

Here I am-month 19 of trying to have a baby, month 5 of being on the fertility drug Clomid.  I understand that some people try much longer than us, and I feel bad for them, but it doesn’t change our story.

My husband and I have been married for three years next month.  From the beginning, if my husband had said, “Let’s have a baby” I would have been on board.  But I didn’t ask if we could start trying because I was in school, had student loans to be paid off, and we were renting a one bedroom apartment.  In short, we weren’t ready.  But I was ready long before my husband was.  About two years ago I started asking (begging might be the more accurate term) my husband if we could start trying.  We knew a lot of people that were getting pregnant with their first child and I wanted to be part of that group too.  I looked forward to setting up a nursery, to hearing the pitter-patter of little feet running down the hallway.

Finally, in December 2014 my husband agreed that we were at a point where we could start trying to have a baby.  We knew going in that chances of getting pregnant right away weren’t great-I had just gotten off the pill and on average it takes one’s body about three months to be “normal again” and up to a year is normal, but from the first month I couldn’t help tracking my cycles, getting excited at every sign that MIGHT mean we were pregnant.  Six months came and went.  I started to track my body basal temperature (but this difficult when one works night shift three days a week.)  So after a month or two of that I started to buy ovulation test kits.  They said I ovulated every month but my cycles were long and it was difficult to predict when it was going to happen.

Yes I wanted the attention.  I was excited to tell my husband that were expecting and began looking up fun ways to do this.  I was excited to tell our families, who had no idea we were at that point.  I wanted the excitement of buying little outfits.  I wanted to hear the congratulations from friends and strangers alike.  But I also couldn’t wait for the private moments-the first time I would feel a baby kick, my husband talking to the baby and telling both of us good night.

After a year I saw a doctor.  After drawing blood levels, and my husband being tested there was nothing conclusively wrong.  I began Clomid.  My hormone levels immediately said I was ovulating (but there was nothing saying that I wasn’t before.)  Clomid said that most people are pregnant after three months of being on it.  Three months later, I still got my period.  So we continued Clomid, but I also had an HSG test to see if my fallopian tubes were open.  They were.  So, the Clomid continued.

This past month of being on Clomid, my cycle was long-it has been regular each of the other months while I’ve been on Clomid.  As the days passed I was more and more convinced that I was pregnant.  And then yesterday I got my period.  It felt like I had lost a baby.  It feels a little bit like that every month.  Every time I get a period, I lose the hope that was a baby.  Because I automatically know the due date when I get my period.  After this going on for over a year, I automatically know which holiday is coming up in about 8-12 weeks that would be a good opportunity to tell family.  Like many woman, I have names picked out.  Every month I lose all of it.  I’ve lost all of it for 19 months now and I don’t know how to keep going.

I don’t want to keep trying but even if I stop taking clomid, I will still wonder and hope and cry every month.  Even if we’re not trying, I will still be trying.  I hear to “relax and stop trying” all the time, but how does one do that?  How can one go through this loss and grief month after month?  I’m tired; just exhausted by all of it.

And that our story.