Magnificent Light

I love light!  Before this summer I had never really thought about it, but both color and light can touch my heart in ways that nothing else can.  I love stars, I love the way rays of sun stream through the clouds, and I love watching fire in the fireplace.  The brilliant oranges and reds that fade to golden yellows in sunsets and sunrises wow me.  When I take time to stop and notice them, the sheer beauty of these things takes my breath away.

This summer I went through the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge with a friend.  One of the chapters is about how God puts things in the world around us to romance us.  “God has written the Romance not only on our hearts, but all over the world around us.  What we need is for him to open our eyes, to open our ears that we might recognize his voice calling to us, see his hand wooing us in the beauty that quickens our hearts.”  It goes on to ask about what romanced your heart as a child?  The main things I was able to come up with were things in nature-falling snow, the smell of rain, streams, and lakes, but the biggest one was light.

Light calls to us and invites us in.  Every metaphor that uses light talks about the light being good and the darkness being evil.  One of the first things God created was light and he saw that it was good.  It makes sense that I love light too then.  God created light and He liked it, and then He created me in His image.  The God of the universe loves me, and He made my heart.  He knows what wows me, what I love, what takes my breath away.  And it is sooooo amazing that every time I see a sunset, or a flower bed bursting with color, or a tree covered with bright yellow leaves, its God reminding me that He loves me and cherishes me and that He wants to romance my heart.

Light and color are what speak to me, but those aren’t the only things that God uses to speak to us.  What romances YOUR heart? The smile on a child’s face?  Books that you read and movies that you see?  A song that you hear?  God knows what speaks to your heart, and he sends reminders daily that He loves you.  We just have to be able to set aside the busy-ness and the pain of life and remember to look for them.

“Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart.”

“This romancing is immensely personal.  It will be as if it has been scripted for your heart.”

Prince of Peace

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

The Bible is full of verses about peace, about not worrying about tomorrow, and trusting God with our lives.  I’ve been going through the book of John, and the verse above really stuck out to me.  I’ve heard it all before…

Philippians 4:6-7  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Matthew 6:27, 34  “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life…Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day had enough trouble of its own.”

Colossians 3:15  “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace...”

…but hearing it and reading it, are not the same as actually believing it.

Worry is something I struggle with at times.  I worry about what kinds of grades I’m going to get on a test, I worry about what other people think of me, I worry about what my future holds.  This week in particular something I’ve been worrying about is, if I can’t learn from my mistakes then what kind of person am I?  I lost my watch earlier this week (this wasn’t entirely my fault-the band was broken but was working for the time being.)  Anyway, it got caught on my backpack and the next thing I knew, it was gone.  I totally forgot about a meeting with my academic advisor.  I lost my student ID card on Friday.  I can’t find my little address book.  I mean seriously…I’m not that disorganized of a person, but for whatever reason it seems like I’m constantly losing something-my keys, my ID, my pen, etc.  It’s not always something major, but it’s always something.

For those of you who don’t know me as well, losing something is a huge pet peeve of mine.  I feel like a disappointment when I lose something.  And you’d think that if I know I lose things, I would be better about putting them in their proper place instead of just setting them down somewhere but no, I’m continuously making that mistake.

Also, as a student and a perfectionist, school can be stressful.  Doing all my assignments and getting all my tests studied for takes time, lots of time, and it’s hard to fit everything in.  Especially this year...I’m working two jobs, taking more harder courses at once than I ever have before, going to church, bible study, and BASIC, not to mention spending my own time reading the Bible or praying, and then trying to fit in a social life and sleep in on top of all of that.  I don’t think I’ve ever had a more exhausting year.  But…during the summer I told myself I was going to enjoy my senior year.  It’ll be done before I know it and soon I’ll be done with school forever.  L  I’ve always loved school, so I want to enjoy the end of this season in my life while it lasts.

One of the names for Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  The Bible promises peace that TRANSCENDS understanding.  Have you ever felt an inexplicable peace?  It’s only happened a few times in my life, and normally at times when I’m extremely busy, but when I’m relying on Scripture.  It happened on Sunday.  Sitting in church I was thinking about everything I had to do this week, and was seized by a sense of fear about getting it all done on time.  After a moment though I was filled with a sense of peace that had nothing to do with me.  It wasn’t that I was thinking about something else, or that I had figured out a way to get it all done, but nonetheless I was overcome with a sense of complete peace.

In John chapter 16 Jesus tells us that while we live here on earth we will have trouble.  We will face death, pain, worry, stressful situations, and hundreds of others emotions that are not from God.  But he promises that in HIM we can have peace.  This is the key.  It’s only THROUGH Jesus that we can have true peace and joy.  We cannot achieve it by ourselves, even though we all try (myself included).  Jesus promises that in him we can have peace and he promises that he has already overcome the world.

One of my favorite versus from this summer…

John 16:33  “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Matt

At the beginning of June, after coming home from work one night, I got the tragic news that my cousin was in the hospital and was already technically brain dead and there was little to no chance of survival.  Still…I prayed for a miracle.  If anyone could save him, God could.  God did not answer my prayers the way I wanted Him to because Matt was taken off life support and died a few days later.

I cried myself to sleep for days afterwards.  I went through the motions of life but I didn’t know how to make sense of it.  I missed him, I still miss him, more than words can describe.  I did not have the chance to go to his funeral, which I regret now.  I keep wishing for a way back, a way to at least say “good-bye”.  I’m still looking for a way to say good-bye and deal with the pain in my heart.

Matt…everyone that knew him talks about his smile.  He had such a unique smile, and I rarely saw him without it.  Last time I saw him was at his brother’s wedding last summer.  He was one of the groomsmen and was the life of the party that day.  I looked up to and had a lot of fun with Matt when I was little.  Memories have come flooding back with his death…swimming in Durango Colorado, talking at Christmas after the adults had gone to bed, coloring in North Carolina.

Videos have been put up on facebook of Matt singing “A Whole New World” and “Kiss the Girl” from Disney movies.  These are a side of Matt I never knew, but I love it.  He is so full of life and seems really happy.  Matt moved to Colorado and made a life there, where he could go skiing all the time.  He loved being outdoors and always made life an adventure.

My mom found a card that Matt made me when I was born.  He was eight when I was born and lived halfway across the country (me in California, him in Nebraska) but he took the time to color a card for his new baby cousin.  I will forever treasure that card.

I don’t understand how this could possibly be part of God’s plan.  God allowed it to happen and I don’t understand.  I believe God had the power to stop it and quite honestly sometimes I’m mad at God for not doing so.  But at the same time…I know God DOES have a plan.  Somewhere, somehow, good will come from this pain.

Right now, pain is all I feel from the situation and I hate to hear that it will get better.  It seems like I either feel pain at thoughts of Matt, or I pretend like it never happened.

Matt,

I wish you could see the outpouring of support on your facebook page.  People still write to you and tell you what they’re doing, how they miss you.  I was supposed to see you in less than a week and it seems unreal that I won’t see you again.  I miss you so much!  You will forever be loved and remembered by everyone who knew you.

Christine

Child-like Joy

Toddlers can be a handful.  I know on Sunday mornings (I help in the nursery for the church I attend), many of them don’t want their parents to leave and have a fit when they do.  Most of them settle down after a few minutes or with something to distract them. On the other hand there are some that come in the nursery with smiles on their faces.  They are ready to play and couldn’t care less if their parents left them there or not.

One of favorite parts of helping in the nursery is at the end.  Not because “I’m finally done” but because of the reactions of all the kids.  All the kids, regardless of whether or not they are happy when they arrive, have the same reaction when their parents come back at the end of the service.  They aren’t just happy.  They are more than happy; they are ecstatic.  The look on their faces is priceless.  When you say “(Insert name) look who’s here.”  They turn towards the door and you can see their entire face light up with a joy to great for words.

This is what we should expect though, isn’t it?  I’m not a parent yet (although I hope to be one day), but a bond between a parent and a child is one of the strongest bonds I know.  A mother and father feed, clothe, cradle, and love a baby.  They are with the child as he or she grows and learns to walk, to read, to sing.  If the child messes up, still they love him or her.  As the child faces hardships at school with friends or struggles with an assignment a parent supports them and shows them unconditional love.  Even after the child is no longer a child but grown up, married, and with children of their own, the parent-child bond lives on.

We expect this of our earthly parents, but do we expect this of our Heavenly Father?  If we did would we ever doubt Him?  I have problems with trust.  I think of myself as a trusting person but in reality, I’m not.  I don’t trust others in a group to do their share.  I don’t trust others to keep their word, because I’ve had too many people make a promise or set up a time to get together only to break it or cancel later on.  I question God’s plan for my life and try to take control of it myself.  Because if I’m in control then I can’t get hurt.  If I’m in control then no one else has the power to break that promise.  But if our earthly parents love us with such a complete love then how much more does God love us?  God keeps his promises.  He doesn’t want to see us hurting or broken, but He asks for trust.

Matthew 7:25-34 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear… Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable then they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  “And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the lilies of the filed grow.  They do not labor or spin…If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?...But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

The Bible is God’s love letter to us.  He is telling us that He will always love us wholeheartedly, unlimitedly.  God provides for us; He gives us food and clothes.  He cradles and comforts us when life gets too hard to bear.  When we mess up, because we all will, He will still be there holding out His hand and welcoming us back.  He loved us enough to send His son and watch him die.  I can’t even grasp this.  I would give my life for my (not yet existent) children, but the other way around?  Sacrifice my child for someone who has hurt me?  But this is exactly what God did.

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

I don’t know what heaven will be like, but I do know that I’ll be with my Savior.  I don’t know how I’ll act or what I do when I see Jesus face to face, but I hope the expression on my face shows the same radiant expression that all the kids in the nursery have when they see their parents.  When I first see Jesus I want to be filled with a child-like joy that goes beyond words.

The Lion King

Have you ever noticed the parallels between the Bible and the movie The Lion King?  I knew there were some parallels but I never noticed how many until recently!

One recent Friday night I found myself without anything to do so I fell back on an old favorite of watching Disney movies.  I picked one of my favorites...The Lion King.

As a started watching I noticed a few more similarities between the movie and the Bible than I had noticed before.  So...I started to be on the watch for them, and afraid that I would forget them (and being the nerd that I am) I started taking notes. J

The movie begins with the "presentation" of Simba.  Rafiki, a leader in the land, rubs liquid on Simba's head and then holds Simba up for everyone to see.  When Simba is held up, the clouds open up and a light shines down on him.  When babies are baptized they have water poured on their head by the pastor and then they are held up (presented) to the church.  When Jesus was baptized, the clouds opened up and a voice said "You are my Son, whom I love, with you I am well pleased". It's true that no voice spoke to Simba (at this moment), but the implication that Simba was great and important was portrayed with the light shining out of the clouds.

Simba doesn't only represent Jesus like he does in the example above, but at other times he represents humanity.  I was trying to hard to make him fit into one role or the other (either Jesus OR humanity), but that wasn’t working.  Also, Jesus WAS human.  It's true that he was perfect and 100% God, but he was also human.

I often feel like I have to prove myself to others, prove that I am able to do things just as well if not better than others.  Simba tried to do this when he went to the hyena’s land.  He tells his dad later "I just wanted to be brave like you."  Simba tried to prove his bravery but by doing so he got himself and his friends into trouble.  He tried and tried to save himself but in the end, he needed his father.  Mufasa came to rescue Simba when Simba felt alone and scared.  We need our Father in the same way that Simba needed his.  We sin and dig ourselves into a deeper and deeper hole until we reach out and ask for help.  God willingly and eagerly answers our prayers for help.  He loves us soooo much because God IS love!

When Simba runs away, Scar tells everyone that he has died.  All the lions (people) believe Scar.  They don't question that their king, their leader has died. Years later, as an adult he comes back, back to life in the eyes of many, to take his place as king.  When he comes back the world is burned, black, with very little life left-in short, it's broken.  He comes back to a hurt and broken world to return life to pride rock, and he gives everyone hope that all is not lost.  Is this so much different from what Jesus did when he was raised from the dead and the kind of life he offers all of us one day?!  Jesus was put to death on the cross but he was alive again three days later.  He will come again to this hurting and broken world and he will bring new life.  Because of Jesus, we have a reason to hope and a purpose for living!

There is one part of the movie in which I feel like Simba is symbolizing humanity that I absolutely love!  Simba has just been through another life changing experience.  Rafiki wants to show Simba that Mufasa is still with him, still a part of him, so Rafiki leads Simba through the wilderness to a pond where Rafiki shows Simba his reflection.  Simba can’t see his father in him but then he hears his father talking directly to him.  Here is the exact conversation…

“That’s not my father, it’s just my reflection.”-Simba

“No.  Look Harder.  He lives in you.” –Rafiki

“You have forgotten me.  You have forgotten who you are and so forgotten me.  Look inside yourself.  You are more that what you have become.” –Mufasa

“How can I go back, I’m not who I used to be.” –Simba

(I don’t know if I got every line/word of the conversation so I apologize if that’s the case.)  But so much of this conversation rings true in my own life!!!  We are made in God’s image.  There is a part of Christ in all of us but many of us need to be reminded of this daily.  Simba couldn’t see his father inside him because he was so caught up on the outward appearance.  He was so distracted by his reflection-how the world saw him-and he had to be reminded that his father was a part of him.  God is alive in each one of us but we are so worried about what the world thinks that we forget that God made us beautiful, in his image, just the way we are meant to be.

When we first meet God, whether there was one life changing experience or it happened gradually over time, we are changed.  We are not the same person and we can’t go back to who we used to be.  We will still sin and maybe struggle with many of the same things but in Christ we are a new creation.  Simba alludes to this when he says he can’t go back.  Simba is saying he can’t physically go back to the place he used to live, but we can say the same thing spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

And at the end of the movie, Simba (Jesus) triumphs over Scar (Satan).  Simba wins the battle and throws Scar down into the flames.  Satan keeps fighting against us and against God, but God has already won the battle.  Isn’t that such a comforting thought-God has ALREADY WON?! There is a place for us in God’s family and in heaven if we only accept the gift.  Jesus gave the ultimate gift of his own life, and we can’t earn it or repay it-that’s why its called a gift.  Accept the gift today-God is waiting for you to admit that you are broken and need help.  He is right there, waiting with open arms…

A World Full of Color

For a long time school overwhelmed my life.  I mean, it literally took over everything.  If my homework wasn't done then I wouldn’t let myself do anything else.  School came first.  Always.

Even after I came to college this was true.  But college was the first time in my life that I lived with friends!  In high school I had friends, but I was unusual in the way that I didn't hang out with them on a Fridays nights, after school, or in the summer.  I was a family girl.  I loved watching movies with my family on the weekends.  I would run errands with my parents and spend the majority of my time doing homework and I was totally happy doing all of it.  College changed all of that.  (I still love my family very much, but I'm not as content to spend all my time with them or to spend so much time alone.)

My 'coming to Christ' experience was not something that happened all at once.  I grew up in a Christian household and I had all the head knowledge.  I grew up learning the stories of the Old Testament (Adam and Eve, Moses, Joseph, Daniel, etc) and many of the parables and stories from the New Testament, including of course the idea that we all sin but Jesus came to die for us so that we can go to heaven.  I knew all of this in my head but I didn't really know it in my heart.  There is a difference between knowing the truth and KNOWING THE TRUTH that I didn't realize existed until a year and a half ago.

Even the process of KNOWING THE TRUTH was a gradual one but there is one night that's sticks out more than others in my mind.  During the first BASIC (a worship night on campus) of my sophomore year the song 'The Stand' was played.  For you who don't know the song here are the lyrics...

You stood before creation

Eternity within Your hand

You spoke the earth into motion

My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure

Carried the Cross for my shame

My sin weighed upon Your shoulders

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll walk upon salvation

Your Spirit alive in me

This life to declare Your promise

My soul now to stand

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

...I was filled with a sense of amazement that night.  Standing there in a room with hundreds of college students singing "I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned" was awe-inspiring!  It is truly beyond words.  I can't describe what happened that night or how God used it to change me, but after that I became a new person.  1 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

School didn't come first anymore. Friends were great but they weren't what I was living for either.   Christ became the center of my being.  I'm not saying that the change was easy or happened overnight, but it happened and it's still happening.

I joined a small group through BASIC Plus.  (For those of you who are new Christians or Christians who have never had a group like that I cannot possibly explain the difference it made in my life.  I would more that strongly suggest becoming part of one!!!).  In a small group there is a group of people who will pray with/for you in good times and bad.  They will be there for you through everything.  And maybe more important, they are a great way to make friends and be in fellowship with other believers!

I started to not only go to church but to really become involved in it.  I went to a church picnic where, a now very special friend introduced herself to me and I began to meet people.  I began to work in the nursery, which got me more involved.  Now church is one of the highlights of my week.

As many of you know (or can probably learn by looking at my blog and my Facebook statuses) music means so much to me.  I began to listen to Christian music.  Music holds so much emotion in it and there are so many songs that speak such truth.  And it seems like the right song comes on the radio just as I need it :). God is soooo cool!!!!!

Becoming a Christian did not make my life easier.  In fact I wouldn't argue if someone told me it actually made my life more difficult.  Being in college, or more specifically, since I've been a Christian, I've had some of my highest emotional highs but I've also had some of lowest emotional lows.  Before, life was just a couple shades of gray.  I just went through life without giving a whole lot of thought to others or even to many aspects of my own life.  I was happy because I didn't know the difference, but now my life has been filled with color.  Yes some of them are dark, but some of them are brilliant reds, yellows, greens, blues, etc.  And some of them are the brightest white I've ever seen.  I wouldn't go back no matter how difficult my life has become.  I wouldn't change anything.  And in the dark colored times I am learning to turn to and depend on Christ to swallow the darkness and bring me into the light once more. :)

I Want A Beautiful Love Story and I Want God to Be in Control

As I have said before I am someone who loves to be in control.  I plan out everything in life and when things don’t go the way I plan I kind of freak out a little.  I need to have the next few years of my life planned out, and when things change I need to have a new plan already formed or I will be absolutely terrified.

As recently as a year ago I wanted to finish at UNI, go to medical school, become a neonatologist, and somewhere along the way start a family.  I was going to live in a small town in the Midwest and have three or four kids.  Literally my whole life was planned.  BUT…already some things were not working out.  I couldn’t live in a small town AND be something as specialized as a neonatologist.  Did I really want to go to school for another ten years?  Could I be both a doctor and raise the family I so desperately wanted?  Around the same time my family knew multiple families whose kids had been in the hospital with life threatening conditions.  Both of these families praised the nurses (not the doctors) and still have contact with the nurses that meant so much to them during the tragedies they went through.  Could I be a nurse instead?  When I finally told people about the change of heart, wanting to be a nurse instead of a doctor, it probably seemed like a sudden change to them but for me, I had been pondering the idea for a long time before making the change.  Before letting go of my perfectly planned life, I made a new plan.  I was never-for one second-without a plan.

As a Christian I know that I am supposed to give God control of my life.  When I first prayed for God to enter my life, I prayed for His will to be done.  I wanted Him to direct my path and for Him to lead me through life.  My request was genuine.  It still is, but I’m terrified to give up every aspect of my life to Him.  I’m slowly changing and learning that it is okay for Him to be the leader of my life but there are still areas of my life that I’m clinging to with all my heart.  I’ve pretty much told Him “God you can direct me in this area and that area, but this area over here…yeah that’s still for me to control.”  The biggest area of my life that this is the case is the one for relationships-especially a romantic relationship.

What I want more than anything right now is to be in a dating relationship.  I never thought that as a junior in college I would still be single.  I mean, almost every couple that I know met in college, many in the first year or two.

What if I give this area to God and its His plan for me to stay single? Or meet someone but not for another 20 years?  I am the typical young girl who wants to meet someone, fall hopelessly in love, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after but what if that’s not what God wants?  (Ok, so I know most of that picture is slightly unrealistic-families have problems, but they work through them and I still want the beautiful parts of a love story.)  What if I give this area over to God to control and He does it all wrong?

I just started reading the book “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  And I cannot believe God…I mean how does He place the right book/movie/person/whatever it is each time in my life when I need it the most?!  I’ve been wanting to read this book for a long time but kept putting off going to the store and actually buying the book.  Anyway so this book…

Eric is one of the authors.  He was talking about giving his life to Christ and giving God total control.  He seemed as against giving God control as I am (I know this a common thing that people struggle with.)  Eric is comparing his life to a ship and different areas of his life to rooms on the ship.  When Eric let God lead his life he said  “I had always called the shots, charted the course, chose when to scrub the deck and what detergent to use.  I mean, the ship had my name on the front.  This had always been my ship-and now He wanted to assume command.  In His ever-gentle way, He moved into the captain’s quarters.  I was okay with Him taking over part of the ship, as long as some rooms on the lower deck remained under my jurisdiction.  Even after I turned my life over to the rulership of Christ, there were certain areas I clung to and protected, trying with all the strength I had to somehow maintain control over them.”  Sound familiar?  Isn’t this exactly what I was doing with my life?  Can you relate?  What areas are you trying to keep under your jurisdiction?  “Christianity, defined in very simplistic terms, can be summarized as ‘me moving out, God moving in.’ Which means God had to move into every corner of my existence, even the areas I didn’t want to let go of.”

Eric said “If there is one thing in all of life that we feel sure God has no clue about, it’s romance…I was convinced that God was very interested in keeping me single, even though he knew I wanted to be married.”  But Eric goes on to say “If I could have taken just a little peek into God’s father-heart…I would have seen how much He delights over me, how much He cherishes and adores me.  If I could have realized how interested He is in my highest good, I would have flung the door wide open.”

I am striving with everything I have to be more Christ-like.  I am striving to give God control over my life-every single aspect of my life.  If I can accept God’s plan, even if it means that I’ll be single the rest of my life, then that will be the best life I could have possibly imagined!

I’ll leave you with one more quote from the book.  “The ‘something better’ is found in emptying yourself, surrendering to His lead, letting go of your life and all you hold dear, and entrusting everything to Him.  Because in doing that, you will be tenderly embraced by the sweetest Musician in all the universe and receive your own personal concert.”