My Love is Just A Drop in the Bucket

Many of you probably know that I last week I got engaged.  I want to start by thanking God for this amazing time in my life.

As recently as a year ago, I was still wondering if there was anybody special for me.  I knew that I didn't need anyone, and that God was enough.  I knew this in my head, but I had trouble believing it in my heart.  What I wanted more than almost anything in life was to find that special someone who would be my best friend, the one who would be my better half, the one I would share everything with.  I wanted to find him, get married, and have a family.

Through a process that was far from easy I began to understand that I was putting God in a box.  Last summer I realized (with help) that I wasn't being the me that God made me to be.  When I was little, I was the girl who didn't stop talking.  I was outgoing, and I loved to be the center of attention.  (For those of you who only know me now, that might come as a surprise.)  Now I am quiet and reserved.  I am most definitely an introvert.  But in group situations, I'm not happy when I end up sitting back and not saying anything. Honestly, I don't like to the center of attention at all anymore, but that's not why I sit quietly.  I sit quietly because its what is expected of me; people expect me to be the one who doesn't participate in the conversation.  Who I am, depends on who I'm with and their expectations, so I'm obviously not being the real me.  I began to pray that I would want to want to be the me I was created to be.  I prayed that I would want to want to read the Bible and find out the promises God made for me.  I prayed that I would want to want to be content in God alone.  I began to accept that there was someone out there for me (even though I still doubted at times).  I also began to realize that God was not only growing me, but He was also probably growing my future husband.  Even though I still had a burning desire to meet my future husband, I took the time to understand who God says I am in Him.

People who saw me last summer and who see me now, see a change in me.  I don't deny it.  I am a much different person now than I was even a few months ago.  But I don't think thats a bad thing.  The past few months I have grown WITH Matt.  I've realized that with him, I'm more the me that God wants me to be than I was when I was before.  Did I need Matt to change me?  No, God could have changed my heart in other ways.  God could have grown us both in other ways, but of course I'm beyond grateful that God gave Matt to me.  (I see now...it wasn't anything I did to "find" my future husband.  I didn't date to find out what I liked in a guy.  But God GAVE Matt to me, in His perfect timing.  I don't think that it was a coincidence that Matt asked me out when he did even though we had known each other for quite a while.)  Matt is one of God's many blessings to me in the past year.

I have learned what Matt cares about.  And we have talked about what we can do together.  I want to do more ministry driven stuff-something as simple for being there for someone who needs someone to talk to even when I don't know what to say or do.  My heart is slowly being changed/grown to care about the same things that Matt cares about.  I believe that the two of us can be more together than we ever could apart.  God will use the two of us to combine our gifts and serve Him in the best way possible.

I've learned that I have not only found the best friend I will have in life, my better half, and the one I can share everything with.  But I've learned more about what love is.  Love is putting the others needs and wants above your own.  In my head I tend to make situations all about me even when I don't mean to, but loving someone has changed that.  Matt's needs and wants now come above my own.  And this love that I feel for him, is only a drop in bucket compared to God's love for us.